Contrary to popular belief, it is not the case that all's well that ends well. But it will seem like it, at the end.
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Reasons for Seasons
I don't particularly care for Christianity, but my heart went out to the designer of the greeting card with a chocolate cross attached that was on sale at the corner drugstore. May His Light Shine Upon You, it said on the front, and Happy Easter inside, as if some foresight-burdened defender of the faith had reasoned, "We know we're powerless to stop the secular commercialization of our holy day, but maybe we can slow it down, just a bit."
A sentiment to remember for the day when your favorite ideology ends up on the wrong side of history.
Ode to Swift
Our users have a need although
Our budget's rather ...
Thrifty—
Not just, "I want my data," but
"I want my data
Swiftly."
But should their need our budget meet
I'd think it not an oddity,
In an age of open source in which
The hardware's a commodity.
The right solution's quick to get,
No need to hunt or forage;
We'll see our users' needs are met
With open object storage.
Defect
I—I'm afraid that examination of my 23andMe raw data has revealed a horrible truth about myself. I mean, I had always suspected, but now there's no room for doubt, no hope for denial. The terrible fact is that—
I am not a geneticist.
Missing Words V
The other week I was reading a book that used the word multimegaline—from multi- and mega- and line, referring to software projects composed of many millions of lines of source code. But I prefer to believe that the last syllable rhymes with keen and that the word is good for anything really big.
Lethal --force
Dear reader, if you're like me—and if you're not, why are you reading this stupid blog about random shit that no one who's anyone could possibly care about?—close the tab and go do something worthwhile instead. No, I mean it. I'll wait ...
Proper Outlook
Contempt for the past is a healthier emotion than fear for the future.
An Education News Bulletin
Apparently a gang of extortionists calling themselves the "California state Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education" are threatening to shut down a number of organizations that provide assistance in learning to program, including App Academy, which I recently benefitted from attending. I could explain why the behavior of the BPPE is an outrage that must be opposed by anyone with a scrap of decency in their heart, but I'm too busy coding and counting my money.
House Style
it's kind of strange that I think the internet is all-lowercase, when I'm so eager to slap Portentous (Pretentious?) Captial Letters on Fuck Near Everything Else
The Chocolate Caramel Sea-Salt Betrayal
"Our civilization," said the engineer, "is decadent." This after visiting the Ghirardelli shop on Market and Montgomery, frowning and, for the first time in his life, doubting very much whether ice-cream was a force for good in the world.
Cute
"... so, what do you think?"
"It was cute, in a meta sort of way."
"Thanks. But there's something a little sad about resorting to meta cuteness so often, like I'm an n-trick pony for undisclosed but probably quite small n."
"Well, you're very good at meta cuteness."
"There is that."
Genre
"I didn't intend for my blog to become a compendium of very short dialogues! It's just—it's just—"
"They're easier to write than anything else?"
"—they're easier to write than anything else."
Classification
"So, what do you think it—"
"It's a Turing machine."
"You didn't even look at it!"
"I don't need to!"
"&c."
Is it wrong that I feel more positively disposed towards Etsy after figuring out where it must have (must have) gotten its name?
Fortune
"They're going to pay you X dollars a year? But that's fantastic! You're rich!"
"I don't like the way you say that. You make it sound as if I had won the lottery."
"Lottery, new job, what's the difference? Good fortune should be celebrated."
"Not like that. If they're going to pay me X dollars a year, that means I have one year to create X dollars of economic value. It's a serious responsibility."
Cover Letter
Beset by nights of torment,
Bent to keep your site performant,
Beneath the moon aloft there then appear
Beautied forms so gallant who
Beseech the gods of Talent to
Bequeath a junior software engineer!
You need someone specific,
One computer-scientific,
Who can complete the team at [Company Name],
Whose reputation takes repose
In repos replete with code which shows
[They put the other candidates to shame].
From graph theory to jQuery,
And matters in between,
My code Pythonic, words unironic,
I greet you through this screen
And ask, if just to highlight it,
If you've positions I might fit,
With pretense shed entirely.
I then said, "Hire me."
Thinking About Writing
"I've been thinking about writing a novel."
"I don't understand."
"I said, I've been thinking about writing a novel. What's there not to understand?"
"The phrase thinking about writing. Is that even grammatical? And if so, what could it possibly mean?"
"What? It's perfectly gram—oh, I get it. Fine. No hedging: I am going to write a novel!"
"Sorry, I still don't get it. I know what it means to have written something, or to be at a keyboard writing something. But to be going to write something, in the unobservable future? Even if the concept is coherent—and I'm not sure it is—how could you possibly know?"
Highball
"Now remember: when you're negotiating salary and they press you for a number, do not reveal your BATNA. Give them an unrealistically high estimate and make them negotiate down. Now practice on me."
"Ahem. Well, sir or madam, given my demonstrated expertise and the value I could create for this company, I think a fair starting salary would be ... sixty thousand."
"No, no, no! I said—"
"Per day."
"Uh ... that's a little too—"
"In Bitcoin."
Numbers Between 0 and 1 (Non-exhaustive List)
π/4, the Euler–Mascheroni constant, Chaitin's construction, the fraction of my internal narrative which consists of various rephrasings of I've been a contemptible fool; but, that's decision-theoretically irrelevant
An Unauthorized Use of Ms. Gunnison's Secret Time Machine
Gunni told her not to touch it;
Common sense would say as much in
Plainer words, for these devices
Warrant care if not a license,
Just to view the glowing screen
Of the forbidden time machine.
It's meant for research that's historical,
Not for making oneself an oracle,
Not for giving Voltaire a tease,
Or climbing up Pangaean trees.